What Do Vegan Zombies Say?

 Posted by on January 21, 2014  Guest Posts  Add comments
Jan 212014

Beth Teliho

(Today’s guest post is from one of my many favorite bloggers who inspires me to always take chances with writing. She’s so incredibly dynamic and versatile. Please welcome Beth Tehilo from Writer B is Me. Enjoy!)


As I sit here and eat my lunch of lentil loaf and polenta, I can’t help but wonder what this new vegan life is going to be like. It’s only been a few weeks and I’ve already done something I rarely do: cook. The other day I was on the phone with a friend and she asked what I was doing. I told her, “making homemade protein bars.” She almost choked.

There aren’t many restaurants with vegan options, not around here anyway. I am surprised by the bounty of vegan options at the grocery store. Even frozen pizza! Believe me, I stocked up on frozen dinners because I’m no Rachael Ray in the kitchen. I’ve also found great pre-made dishes at Whole Foods Market. But one cannot live on frozen dinners and take-out alone. Probably.

Fortunately, Santa gave me several vegan cookbooks, and I’ve tried a couple recipes with surprising success. When Mike asked me to do a guest spot I did two things: chugged a beer, and asked him what on earth I should write about? He replied, “Just be yourself”. Hmmm. So use filthy language and talk about sex? Probably not. Okay I’ll be me, but tame me. Since I thoroughly enjoy Mike’s food posts, I thought I’d share one of my new favorite vegan recipes. DO NOT LEAVE. This meal is SO good I know meat-eaters will love it, too! I’ve made it twice, which should tell you two things: it’s easy, and it doesn’t suck.

Black Bean Sliders   (recipe courtesy of the book No Meat Athlete, which I highly recommend))


  1. 1 can black beans (I also tried it with chickpeas and it was the shizzle dizzle)
  2. ½ cup chopped onion
  3. 1 clove garlic
  4. 2 Cups vegetables (the book recommended 1 cup mushrooms, ½ cup celery, ½ cup green pepper, but you can use any veggies, any ratio, as long as it adds up to 2 Cups total. I use whatever I have around)
  5. 1 TBS ketchup
  6. 1 TBS mustard
  7. 2 tsp soy sauce or vegan Worcestershire sauce
  8. 3 tsp steak seasoning (or mixture of any spices you like)
  9. 1 tsp Italian seasoning (if you don’t have it, no big woop)
  10. ¼ tsp salt
  11. 1 Cup panko bread crumbs (any bread crumbs will do)
  12. ½ cup walnuts, finely chopped (can also use leftover rice, quinoa or other grain here)


Sauté onion, garlic, and veggies in 2 tsp oil (or Pam, whatever) over medium heat until all are softened, about 5 minutes.

Transfer to food processor and pulse with the beans, soy sauce, spices, and salt until combined but still chunky. Pulse in the bread crumbs and walnuts. Form into golf ball size balls and flatten into patties.

Sauté the patties for 2 to 3 minutes per side until browned and heated through.

That’s it! I love to take half a pita pocket, smear some guacamole inside, and put two sliders in there. YUM. Seriously, I’ve been eating this for lunch for over a week. Two thumbs up!

Thank you, Mike! It’s an honor to be on your blog!

Beth Teliho is a wife, mother of two lunatic boys, writer, and recovering crazy cat lady. As a child, her mom told her she was a guttersnipe. She’s still oddly honored by that title. Her blog, Writer B is Me, is where she unleashes her crazy. You’ve been warned. 

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Mike Vogler

I have been told (many times) that I really need to write a book about my life. The past 50+ years have been an exciting ride, and these days I find myself with a great many passions. However, I feel that this website is a much more personal way with which to share my musings, stories and commentary.

  69 Responses to “What Do Vegan Zombies Say?”

  1. Hmmmmmm. Love the joke, and your confidence in the recipe. I may actually have to try a vegan recipe. With recipes, “good” turns my head and “easy” keeps me interested. Sounds like dating…
    Great post! I’m pinning thus recipe.

  2. Vegan Zombie. Weird.
    Black Bean Sliders. Where do they slide?
    Crazy Cat Lady. I Love all kitty Kats. Kit Kats, 2.
    Lunatic. Yes.
    2 Boys. (Me, too!)
    Likes Mike & Phoenix.

    You’re my kind of girl! Xxx

  3. Took me an AGE AND A HALF to work out what the joke was. Cos I’m pretty stupid about zombies. But very good 🙂

    You had me allll the way until ‘food processor’.

    Ack. Gotta kit my kitchen out!

    • LOL! You can use a blender, too, but no worries. I understand. Are you disappointed it didn’t include kale? 🙂

    • Don’t got me one of them, either. Only a little-bitty hand-held stick blender, which mightn’t be up to the task on a big bowlful of stuff.

      Tbh, I fully expected it to include kale after your vehement support of said veg…

  4. Lizzie and I have way too much in common. I had to read and read for the joke. Then I looked at the title. Hilarious. Ok. To sort of quote miss Lizzie, you had ME til food processor. Maybe next lunch, you can just make this for me, and I’ll bring beer and a big truck. Is beer vegan? Do I have to get a special vegan brand? If it requires stepping foot in whole foods, I’m out. One of my worst grocery store experiences ever.

  5. Am I the only adult who found the irony in “Bean Sliders”? You know cause beans slide out of your system…ummm…no…*slaps hand on forhead*

    I am not vegan but I have made vegan meals before. People assume it’s gross but they’re really good. And good for you!

  6. This looks yummy to me but there is no way my kid will eat something with beans, much less vegetables. I’ll have to try it and eat it for lunch while they’re at school. Thanks Beth! Oh, and I groaned at your zombie joke.

    • Oh my kids turn their noses up to anything new, too. I think they’ve liked two things I’ve made, but then again, we’re not forcing veganism on them. I make the sliders for Jim and I to eat for lunch all week. I WISH my kids would eat more, but I think it has to be a “casually introduced” thing. If they like something, great. If not, here’s your chicken nuggets and mac ‘n cheese, kiddo! 🙂

  7. Yes, the vegan movement is beginning to take and I have thusly nixed almost every dairy product, except Chobani. Sorry, Bethie, can’t give it up… wonder if there are any vegan yogurts out there. Mathair and I are chickpea-holics, so we’ll definitely try out the shizzle dizzle version. BTW, vegan zombies, my brother says no, but I say yes. Imagine how manicured our lawns would be, though I’m sure the Green Giant would be in for the ride of his big green ass’s life.

    • Vegan yogurt *shudder* If there is it’s probably disgusting! Stick with your Chobani, which is my all time favorite yogurt (pineapple – yum!) and it’s one of the few things I miss and can’t replace in any way.

      Vegan zombies would keep our yards beautiful! What a genius point. So *sticks tongue out* to your brother! (affectionately of course;)

      You will love the sliders with chickpeas!

  8. Hahaha! OK – I did get a laugh out of the cheesy joke!

    For some reason I think you missed an ingredient. Better add in the bacon. 🙂

  9. Hahaha… DO NOT LEAVE.
    I also would have accepted the filthy language and sex talk, but whatever.

  10. You had me at dildos -and I stayed through guttersnipe.
    Love you, Bethie girl! Love your posts – I’m not a vegan, but I still love your posts!!

  11. This sounds so easy to make, sounds so yummy and looks so good! As we are mostly vegetarians {we eat Chicken and Fish but lately I have been wanting to eat only Raw Vegetarian so I see a shift happening!!} I am keen to give this one a go!
    Great Guest Post Beth 🙂

    • Cool, Lisa, and thanks so much! I’m thrilled you might try it. I’ve been making them every Sunday for our lunches throughout the week. The recipe makes quite a few – about 16 +. Can NOT believe how easy and good they are!

  12. I was going to why you went vegan and then realized it was your guest! 🙂
    Best, Irene

  13. Finally something healthy and yummy and for vegans! Although I’m not a vegan, I love healthy treats! Love this recipe. Guess what I’m gonna bake this weekend :P!

  14. Okay, so I liked both jokes. Oddly enough, I grew up vegetarian for the first 10 years of my life and worked in a hospital that only served vegetarian for 9 years….so…I may actually try this recipe. 🙂 BTW, Morningstar Farm sausage links are actually quite awesome. So are their grillers. Hubby’s hooked on the latter and likes the former well enough to make it a regular part of our breakfast routine (and he grew up practically a carnivore).

    • Hi Kitt! I haven’t tried M’s sausage links or grillers yet – I’ll have to do that ASAP! You never know which one of those products are going to rock or suck, so that’s genuinely great to know. I’m about to make my first recipe with Tempeh…we’ll see how that goes. I have NO idea what it’s like. I hope it’s YUMMY.

      That’s so interesting that you were raised a vegetarian for such a large part of your life. I started both my boys as vegetarians, but started giving them meat by the time they were about 18 months. I ate meat again by then, so it made sense, but in retrospect I wish I never gave it to them because it’s hard for them to have a taste for anything I make now, you know? Oh well. They can know both and choose what they like as adults!

  15. I bought a good vegan cookbook more than two years ago, but have yet to really give many of the recipes a spin. Maybe some day I might go totally vegan, but until then, I do at least try to cut meat out of more and more meals. I just feel better when I don’t eat that much of it.

    • That’s sort of like my In-Laws, Jeri. They try to eat healthy (although we’ve been calling my MIL the Queen of Sugar for years….) and only eat meat like once a week. My SIL even made Shepard’s Pie with Morningstar soy crumbles last night. She said it was amazing!

      I’ve noticed there are definitely cookbooks that are very high maintenance and require shopping for weird ingredients. I recently received two from a friend that are SO great about using every day things, and also the one I mentioned above. I appreciate that because I can’t be running to the store every day for yeast extract and masa harina flour, amirite?

  16. I love felafels, so I’m going to use your recipe with chickpeas! My wife and daughters aren’t going to know what’s hitting them when the smell fills our house! They won’t believe it’s me cooking vegi, no way!

    Thanks so much for sharing your story and your recipe with us!!!

    • ooooMG felafels are SO good! I know, I’m sort of a chickpea lunatic, too. Love them in everything: salad, soup, veggie burgers….YUM. And they are so good for you! I hope you do try it, Hugh! Thanks!

  17. First and foremost, I’m so thrilled and excited to have you do this guest post AND to have all of your blogger friends come over to read and participate. Thank you to everyone! It’s such a fun melting pot of two blog site commenters. I’m absolutely going to make these Black Bean Sliders. Frozen meals or ingredients to meals that I can put together quickly for work are PERFECT for a single guy like me. I too make meals that have multiple servings that can last for several days. Thank you, Beth! 🙂

  18. My husband loves black beans and he is the cook in the family. We’ll see….hmmmm. Good? Vegan food? Love your voice, though!

    • I have tried a few things that were ohmygodthisisawful! But for the most part, I’ve been pleasantly surprised how fulfilling and delicious everything has been. I would only share the most tried and true recipes, trust me! This one is sooooo flavorful and yummy. 🙂 Thanks so much for reading Corinne!

  19. looks yummy….

  20. Good job, Beth. You guest-posted on your new cooking passion at the same time that I posted encouragement on cooking our own meals. Great minds think alike, huh 🙂

  21. This recipe sounds seriously delicious and super easy to make. I could eat vegetarian every day of the week but going vegan is no simple matter – and very time consuming unless as your wonderful writer pointed out you lived on packaged food.

    Love Beth’s writing style.

  22. Beth! This sounds Yummo! I have personally been trying to eat more vegan stuff..but can’t give up my yogurt, steak and BACON! lol Chickpeas are awesome in all kinds of stuff..so like Inion & Mathair, I will probably go that route..hell, I’ll probably just mix them with the blackbeans! 😉 Anyway, great post and anything zombie is awesome to me..even a cheesy joke :p lol Oh yeah, I found you can get your kids to eat more veggies by chopping them up really really small and sneaking them into dishes they like…sneaky sneaky LOL

    • I hear ya on the yogurt and bacon! So far I haven’t craved either, but STILL.

      You should mix b.beans, and chickpeas, that’s a great idea! t
      Thanks for reading, Johney. You’re the best. xoxo

  23. Okay, since you say you don’t cook but have made this twice I’m going to mark this as a recipe to try! While not vegan or even vegetarian, I do strive for non-meat recipes a good deal of the time. And I love a new recipe to try!

  24. Wow, Beth! Super proud of you for really taking this vegan thing on! I hear it’s not easy but I’ll never know because I am a carnivore and hard as I have tried, can’t let go! These sliders sound pretty amazing though. I may have to give them a try. Thanks, my favorite guttersnipe!

    • Aw, thanks, Sandy! It’s been over a month now and I’m still absolutely loving it. This is the way to eat (for me)! I’m cooking more because I’m actually excited about the food. I never liked cooking with meat. bleh.

  25. With food intolerances galore, I’ve envied vegan’s and even gluten and dairy intolerances because they are so well catered for. So it surprised me that you are not catered for very well where you live.
    At least the supermarket is there with heaps of options and you are learning a new and valuable skill…to cook.

    • You’re right, Becc, it surprised me, too. I think there are a lot of options in the grocery, but not in restaurants. I think in other, more “crunchy granola” cities you can find lots more vegan options when eating out. Not fast food, obvi, but I’ve been to regular restaurants in San Fran, Colorado, and even Nevada that had vegan options. That was cool! I bet Portland and Seattle have some pretty cool vegan/vegetarian restaurants! But, you said it well – I’m learning to cook for myself which is super important or I’d live on frozen vegan pizza!

  26. This sounds easy enough for a non-cook like me and sounds delicious enough even for a meat lover (like my whole family). Hoping to try this soon. Great to virtually meet you, Beth.

  27. What an awesome recipe, and although I’m not a Vegan I think it’s something I’d love to try as we’re all trying to eat healthier in 2014 in this household. So whole foods are in and anything from the central aisles of the Supermarket are OUT!
    Thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Johanna! Yep, that’s what we’re trying to do more of, too – stay on the outer aisles! Whole foods are so healthy. I’m a pretzel junkie (and don’t even get me near cheeze-its) so this has been a very healthy change for me. Not that I don’t still have pretzels from time-to-time, I mean, I’m not INSANE.

  28. Thank you for the recipe… looks delicious 🙂

  29. This is fantastic recipe, especially because 1. I’m addicted to lentils/chickpeas/beans, and 2. I stopped eating meat this year (it’s only been three weeks and I’m still eating fish but one step at a time, eh?). Good luck with Veganism, I think it’s a brilliant lifestyle choice, I’m not sure if I could do it successfully but it’s something I’d like to try.

    • Aw, thanks! And good luck with not eating meat! There are SO many brilliant recipes available, it makes it much easier than it used to be. I hope you try the sliders – you’ll love ’em since you love lentils/chickpeas/beans! They have great flavor and a touch of spice.

  30. I could never be a vegan. I love food too much and I’m married to a chef. BUT, I have been trying to stick to the plan in this book called VB6 (Vegan Before 6pm) by Mark Bittman. The idea is that you eat like a vegan all day until 6pm at which point everything is fair game. I haven’t been sticking to it faithfully, but it does help me to think long and hard about what I’m eating before I eat it. I’ll definitely add this recipe to my pre-6pm lineup!

    • Beth’s post has had me thinking long and hard too, Dana! All of our bodies function differently and some just don’t thrive on vegan. But, it’s always great to give it a try as I did when I was married. I put up very savory food posts but they don’t accurately depict my day to day eating which is far healthier. That book sounds interesting! 🙂

    • Hi Dana! Married to a chef…..heaven! You’re one lucky gal! I’ve never heard of the book you spoke of, but it sounds very interesting!

      I DEFINITELY say every one should do whatever works best for them! Veganism is very harmonious for me, for my beliefs, for my body and soul. BUT, I don’t think by any means it’s for everyone. Plus, I think any discipline, no matter what we’re talking about, should be 95% so that there’s wiggle room when you need it. I know that IF I ever want something bad enough with an animal product, I’ve got that 5% window so I can go head and have it. 🙂

  31. Great post, love your writing style and humor 🙂 I’m not a big fan of vegan dishes however. I know there are lots of great and delicious vegan dishes but … Maybe I will try this one, just to prove myself wrong 🙂

    • Hi Freya! Thank you for the compliment! And trust me, I know not everybody loves vegan dishes, and the lifestyle definitely isn’t for everyone. I’ve noticed a lot of chain restaurants (chili’s for instance) offering black bean burgers, which is wonderful and so convenient, but they’re not very good. If that’s what I had to eat all the time I couldn’t do this vegan thing! Fortunately, the cookbooks I have really do a great job of the food having a lot of flavor and substance.
      Thanks for reading! 🙂

  32. As someone who craves meat these sound pretty good! My SIL occasionally goes vegan so she would probably love this post. She’s weird though and doesn’t like many veggies and all. I was actually planning on doing a vegan post later this week. We shall see if I get to it 🙂

    • Cool, if you do a vegan post I’d love to read it! Come to my blog and tell me fer sher! And yes, these sliders are crazy-yummy even to meat eaters. 🙂
      Thanks, Krystle!

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